Do you ever find that you have conflict in your business?
Do you find that bringing up issues to a team member can be uncomfortable? Remember, “the more uncomfortable conversations you are willing to have will improve the success of your business!”
Chris Voss teaches that everything in life is a negotiation, especially in business! The way that you hold yourself while you’re holding awkward conversations or asking questions that may be confrontational and the tonality of your voice can make a huge impact on the message that is received and the outcome of the interaction.
Chris explains that there’s three different voice tones that you’re able to use to run a conflict or confrontation.
- The happy playful voice: It works in day to day roles, and for anyone that’s on front desk this is the voice that I would recommend.
- The late night FM DJ voice. This voice is deeper, slower and more meaningful. When you tailor off the end of your sentence with a downward inflection, it shows confidence, dominance and that you’ve got control of the situation. By speaking slower it also provokes the notion that you are thinking about what you’re saying and considering the person in front of you, which always reflects well. People simply want to feel understood afterall. This would be a great voice tonality to use whilst dealing with a payment confrontation on front desk or during your report of findings when converting someone into care.
- The assertive aggressor voice Chris Voss shares that he feels this very rarely works to win over your counterpart, however Ryan does teach that effectively ‘losing it’ in business is sometimes effective. I’ve seen first-hand that that can work when implemented correctly but I believe this takes a very skilled person in the art of communication to be able to effectively pull this off.
The Core Values
One of the tools in the Ryan’s Proven Process are Core Values. In my opinion Core Values are CRUCIAL if you want to build the correct culture, attract the right people to your business and if you need to have confrontational conversions. Core values work as police officers and take away the feeling of a personal attack when needing to pull a team member up.
If you do not yet have Core values, not a worry, Every Inner Circle Member has access to the Ryan Rieder Proven Process training module on the Inner Circle Members Portal to walk you through it
The best way to ensure there is Team buy in regarding your Core Values is to review them at every quarterly and each one on one appraisal
How to address conflict with a team member
Remember, Be inquisitive. The more you can communicate and the better the understanding is between team members the stronger and healthier the team. So just be genuine and be the investigator about how you are able to resolve the issue in hand rather than accusatory, if this means you need to take time to allow your emotional reaction about a situation to dissipate then so be it.
To assist you in this process, Core Values are your saving grace and I have laid out the key steps Blair Singer suggests in his book ‘Team Code of Honor: The Secrets of Champions in Business and in Life’ to help you structure this interaction.
- Pick the appropriate time – knowing your audience is really vital. For example, if you know that that person is not normally a morning person then don’t try to get the best communication out of them during the early hours of a day. Wait until the afternoon when they are in their best state for these conversations. Please also be cautious about your surroundings, I strongly recommend that these conversations are never to be held in front of a client or that person’s peers as this will only cause public humiliation (which is proven to be higher than the fear of death) meaning emotions will be high and he or she won’t hear a word that you’re saying.
- Acknowledge your feelings – Addressing the way that your feeling is a way to show vulnerability and release the emotion on your side, it highlights to your team member that you are being open and will typically soften the other person and make them more receptive to what you’re saying.
If you’re uncomfortable, acknowledge those feelings, for example, you could say, “You know, I feel very uncomfortable talking to you about this. I’ve actually been upset about something since this morning and I find it difficult to talk to you about it, but I’m going to give it a shot because I think it will help everyone.”
- Ask for permission – Chris Voss also teaches this, give the other person permission to say no. Everyone will fight for their autonomy, and when you are trying to resolve an issue and create harmony simply ask him or her if it is okay to talk to you about this right now. If they say “absolutely not I’m too busy right now” then respect that however next ask “when would be a good time?” Don’t let the person put you off indefinitely but at least ask permission.
- Correct the behaviour, not the person – This is where your Core Values save the day, they become the impartial third party the policeman, not you. Depersonalize it and deal with the behaviour not the person, you can do this by referring to the behaviour. E.g. “It seems that this idea of keeping time agreements has become a problem. I know that we all agreed to be on time but you obviously are having a tough time with that one, what can we do to correct it?” (Blair Singer, Code of Honour)
Let’s take a look at the wording used in Blairs example of correcting the behaviour. Firstly, He starts by using ‘It seems that…’ Chris Voss talks about this in his book Never Split the Difference, this is a label, you are labeling the behaviour and the use of ‘it seems that’ means that you are protected if the person on the other side has opposing opinions, if gives you the opportunity to retract your comment by simply saying ‘I only said it seems like’. On the Flip side, if you don’t use the label and go straight to the accusation e.g. “You are always late” will create a defensive response rather than an open line of communication (which is what we are aiming for).
Blair also suggests making lots of use of the word ‘we’. By doing this you’re appealing to the benefit of the team rather than making it a personal issue. ‘You can point to the code and say it’s not me attacking you. It’s what the code says and you and I agreed to it. There’s really nothing there to argue at that point and you haven’t attacked anyone personally.’
- State specifically what didn’t work and offer support. Avoid the whole story. Don’t get into every detail about it. State what happens specifically… for example. “We had an agreement to be on time for all the meetings and you were 25 minutes late. It forced us all to wait. Do you need some support? Do you need to be reminded in advance of the meeting? Let me know and I’ll remind you so that we can all be on time the next time.”
Lay it out purely and simply, don’t make a song and dance of the issue, just get it out there. What’s also key to note here is the offering to be supportive early in the conversation. Ultimately, we all want the team to function harmoniously. Dealing with the minutiae of who did what and why and when will drive everyone crazy.
- Highlight the benefits. Make clear what the benefits of correction are for the team and for the individual involved. In Blair’s example of not being on time, what would be the benefit to that person in being on time? What would be the benefit to the team if everyone was able to operate according to the core values? Always take people to a higher ground of aspiration?
Most people want to be the best they can be. They just need to be reminded sometimes.
- Remind this person what he or she has already agreed to. Remind them that you all created the Core Values together/you agreed to be part of this team’s core values when you were hired. Outline that maybe this has been forgotten in the heat of the moment and check in with them that they are still onboard with the values. Allow the person to respond, hear him or her out without an eruption or rebuttal and when they have spoken, say thank you for being willing to listen to you.
- MOST CRUCIAL STEP Acknowledge the behaviour that you want. Down the road when the person does correct the behaviour, make sure to acknowledge that behaviour and thank them. You have no idea how powerful that is. Most people spend most of their lives without acknowledgement. Ryan agrees with this statement and teaches that if you treat everyone in front of you as if they have a big sign around their neck saying ‘Make me feel special’ then you will go far as a leader.
If you’re going to be a great teammate, a great leader or a great family member sometimes you have to be big enough to simply say well done, give them a high five, a pat on the back, something to encourage that willingness to correct.
It doesn’t need to be a big deal. You don’t need to make a big public announcement, but you do need to acknowledge it. Here’s a team checklist for you. A review picking appropriate time to make the call but don’t wait too long. Number two, acknowledge how you’re feeling first to the other party.
When you are on the receiving end of being called on the core values
Blair helps us with a stage further in his book: ‘’Okay, so what if you’re receiving the call? Taking correction is tough but at some time or another we’re all going to blow it and make a mistake or break a rule. We’re human. So here are a couple of tips for how to take the correction as someone’s calling you on something.’
- Take a deep breath. Did you ever have someone come up to you and you just knew that person was going to tell you how you screwed up on something? Nobody likes it but to be part of a great team you’ve got to be willing to hear it.
‘So the first rule is take a deep breath. It seems corny but what happens when people are confronted is that emotion goes up and breathing gets shallow. Sometimes a person will even turn pale’ Blair says, ‘taking a deep breath relaxes your body and oxygenates your brain so that you can think and listen clearly’
- Acknowledge that whatever the speaker is saying is true for that person. ‘Look he or she may be completely off base but at least understand that for that person what’s being said is important and true and that it took a lot of courage to bring it up. There may even be a lot of fear associated with saying this to you.’
During an Inner Circle Q+A Call I got confronted whilst speaking in front of a hundred people. They stood up and completely disagreed and was offended by the last statement I had said! This is any speakers’ worst nightmare, however as I is aware of this point, instead of getting defensive, I firstly acknowledged them. Thanked them for the courage it took to stand up in front of that many people to make their point heard. I asked the audience if they agreed that it took a lot of guts for them to stand up to fight their point of view, which they did. Then I went on to really break down where the true cause of their frustration stemmed from via a series of tactical questions regarding the subject that they had disagreed with me about. I hope they felt acknowledged and understood, they admitted that what I had said wasn’t really that bad and they were frustrated about the subject. I had built a connection, as they felt respected.
Was this experience stressful and scary for me? You betcha! But the understanding of Blair’s rule number 2 – Acknowledge that whatever the speaker is saying is true for that person, he managed to handle the situation with tact and grace.
- Listen actively. Don’t mentally check out and start building your defense or a way to justify your actions just listen and listen all the way through. My guess is that if you listen all the way through you will find that you probably both agree on the point that this person’s trying to present to you, but if you try to cut him or her off and prepare your defense ahead of time you’re never going to hear it.
- If you made a mistake, admit it! The minute you admit to the mistake the discussions over we’re done move on. It’s only when people try to justify their actions with all the reasons why that you’ll sit there all day long talking about it. Probably the most powerful three words in the English language and also the hardest words to say are, I am sorry.
- Ask the person how you can make it right and how you can make amends to the team – this is very important!! If you are a team player and genuinely want to be on this team then it is very important to show willingness to grow and develop with the team’s best interests in mind.
- Revert back to the Core Values – If what you are being called on is not accurate (which of course can happen) go back to the point on the core values you are being called on and go to the specific rule or issue and get mutual clarity on what it means to the both of you.
None of us enjoy conflict but it is necessary to keep your team healthy, well engaged and your business moving forwards. If you are able to conduct yourself correctly then conflicts can result in better understanding between your team members and positively impact your relationship with one another.
I hope this article helps you when you are next confronted with an issue
Love and Light,
Ry
